How to Be with Anger
One year into a global pandemic a lot of people are sitting with anger and grief. Anger is so raw right now that even the NYTimes recognized the need for a primal scream hotline for overwhelmed parents to call in and let it roar.
Rumi once said, “Show me anger and I will show you hurt. Show me hurt and I will show you love. Peel back the layers if you care.” I think of anger like a pot of stew that’s been cooking all day. If you lean in too close when you open the lid and the steam bursts out, you can get burned. And without letting go of the steam, it’s hard to see what is stewing down below. Venting the steam, or letting out the raw anger, is key to being able to effectively communicate what is bubbling up for us.
Anger is such a human emotion and feeling, and yet it so often gets pushed down. All of our emotions are guests, temporary visitors. But we tend to prioritize visits from joy, happiness, peace, and even grief, all the while pushing anger to the corner of the room. And yet, the more we push anger down, the more surprising it is when it finally emerges. It’s like a jack in the box! It can surprise you, and everyone around, when it finally emerges, coming out over seemingly insignificant things but packing the punch of years of suppression.
When I was a kid, my family had a running joke. I would get super hangry, and they would say “Oh no, Lin is coming out.” I mostly went by the name “Cait” but “Caitlin” is my full name, so drawing on that, Lin was the angry evil counterpart to my generally peaceful Cait demeanor. Lin is pretty wild, I have to admit. But in the end, Lin is me, just as much as Cait is. Anger, hanger, peace and calm—it’s all a part of living in a human body.
Anger is so very human. And yet, we often avoid it for fear of being labeled as mean or of losing control in the anger and causing harm to ourselves or others. But anger can be healthy if we can allow ourselves to feel it fully and release it as it comes, yielding to the grief that often lies beneath the grievance. Where it gets sticky, is when we push our anger down to the point of losing control of it—where our anger has the power over us, rather than us being a channel to feel and release it.
It’s important to break down the anatomy of anger and to understand what is going on when upset. Often it’s just stemming from not feeling safe, seen, heard, accepted, loved—in essence, anger warrants compassion.
Anger also tends to be an invitation to action, a noticing that a boundary has been crossed. There is wisdom to pay attention to in your anger. In my latest video, check out ten tips for letting the steam out, feeling your anger in the present moment, and getting empowered and embodied as you fully feel anger and let it go. If you have other tips that help you deal with anger, please drop a line in the comments!
Here are my personal top ten tips:
1) Scream into a pillow or do a silent scream
2) Yell or firmly stay “stop” or “no” with your hands outstretched
3) Tremoring (see yoga for grounding video)
4) Go for a short run, and then return
5) Punch a pillow for a timed minute
6) Clench your fists and body and then release
7) RAIN, Tara Brach’s self-compassion tool
8) Vent to a friend or a journal and let it out with a five-minute timer
9) Listen to your anger with compassionate curiosity
10) Breathe
Go forth and feel those feelz.
